The Mind of the Nice Guy
For most of my life, I tied my value to being useful. I became the problem solver, the “see a need, fill a need” guy. Logically, it made sense. Why wouldn’t someone be attracted to a person who makes life easier? The problem is attraction doesn’t operate on logic. It operates on instinct. Instinct doesn’t evaluate how helpful someone is. It evaluates value, and value is only fully felt when something can be lost. When someone is always available, always accommodating, and always prioritizing the other person, there’s no emotional risk involved. Nothing is at stake. The brain quietly concludes, “Why invest effort in keeping something that isn’t going anywhere?” Enjoyment alone isn’t attraction. You can make someone feel safe, make them laugh, make them think, and still not be desired. Those traits make you pleasant, but they only become attractive when paired with independence, self respect, and boundaries. Attraction grows when someone you enjoy feels like a limited resource. Not becau...