The Truth About Faith I Missed for 20 Years

As a child growing up my faith was shaped purely by what I was told. I lacked the patience and maturity to read and understand the Bible for myself. My understanding growing up was simply that the death of Jesus allowed us to be forgiven for our sins. That if you asked God to forgive you, that  you would go to heaven. It’s funny to look back at how simple my belief was, it honestly had little to no foundation. I didn’t have a relationship with God what I had was a way to cope with choices I’d made.  I had a way to live the way I wanted, without consequences. Today I have intense emotional conversations with God through prayer.  When I’m happy I express gratitude.  When I’m angry, sad, or frustrated, I don’t question the situation, but I seek the reason. I ask what he’s teaching me in this moment, where he’s leading me in this situation.  So it’s funny to think that for about 20 years of my life, most of my prayers consisted of “ please forgive me for my sins in Jesus name I pray AMEN” one sentence, zero thought, absolutely no relationship.  I wasn’t following Jesus, I just wanted a bail out.  I wanted to live life without facing the consequences of my actions on judgment day. The first time I read the Bible i found it overwhelming.  The old testament was full of rules and promised punishment. The new testament  clarified those rules in a way that seemed impossible yet also promised grace. The more I read it, the easier it became for me to understand. I’m not an expert by any means, and my faith continues to grow as my understanding of scripture does.  It’s clear to me now that while my understanding as a kid wasn’t false, it was over simplified.  The question I seemed to come back to as I grew older was “where does god draw the line?” I would think to myself “ if God is perfect and doesn’t make mistakes, then why would he allow people to do whatever they want, say they’re sorry, then all is forgiven”. I mean God wouldn’t allow people to play him for a fool right? I struggled with this for a long time. I questioned whether or not I was going to end up in heaven or in hell. In my search for answers this is where I ended up.

You can’t earn heaven. You can’t work your way in. Every person who has ever been saved has been saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ.

• Ephesians 2:8–9: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”

• Romans 10:9: “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

So yes—belief and faith in Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross are the foundation, but it’s more than that.  When you truly trust Him as Savior and Lord, the Holy Spirit begins to reshape your heart, leading you to turn away from sin. When you are presented the opportunity to do something that the world says is normal yet you feel uneasy about it, that is proof the Holy Spirit is within you. It’s trying to steer you in the right direction, yet the choice is still yours.

• Acts 3:19: “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out.”

• James 2:17: “Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.”

Repentance isn’t perfection, it’s direction. It means you no longer chase sin freely. When you stumble, it should break your heart a little, because you know you’ve fallen short of who God calls you to be. Grief isn’t weakness, it’s proof that His Spirit is still working in you. Real faith isn’t about never falling, it’s about intentionally trying not to.

A believer can still sin, sometimes even knowingly. The difference is in the heart posture. A true believer can’t be at peace living in rebellion.

• 1 John 3:9: “No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God.”

This doesn’t mean Christians never sin, it means they don’t live comfortably in sin. When you stumble, conviction hits. That’s the Spirit drawing you back.  When you knowingly sin and later repent sincerely, God truly forgives you. That’s the power of his grace.  However, if you make a habit of sinning with the thought, “I’ll just ask for forgiveness later,” that’s not repentance, it’s manipulation.

• Romans 6:1–2: “Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?”

Grace isn’t permission, it’s empowerment. It gives you the strength to fight what once enslaved you.  The question isn’t “Did I mess up?” It’s “Who do I want to belong to?”  If your heart is surrendered to Jesus, even when you fail you’re His.  If your heart says, “I’ll live my own way and just use God’s forgiveness as a bail out,” you’re not really following Him.  Following Him means dying to self daily. Not perfectly, but intentionally.

Jesus said plainly:

• Luke 9:23: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”

 In Simple Terms, you’re saved by grace through faith, nothing you earn.  Real faith leads to repentance and a changed life.  God forgives failures, but He won’t bless hypocrisy. Falling doesn’t cost you salvation, but continually rejecting His call to return reveals a heart that never truly surrendered.  Think of It Like This, you’re in a relationship, not a contract.  You’ll fail sometimes, but you don’t stop being His child when you stumble, you just need to come home again.  If your heart keeps returning to Him, that’s evidence of genuine salvation.  Ultimately I believe that the simplest way to think about it is that one day everyone will be judged for their actions on earth. However, if you accept Jesus as your savior, and make the daily decision to walk with him through life…. then  you won’t really be judged by your actions, instead  you will be judged by your intent. The idea of judging by intent on earth seems impossible because it would require more honesty than an imperfect person is capable of.  However, God is perfect, he knows all things, there is no deceiving God. When you make excuses for your actions it’s only to make you feel better, God knows your intentions. God knows when it was an accident or a slip in judgement, and he knows when it was a willing breach of his trust.  The teachings in the Bible weren’t meant to hold you back, they are meant to set you free. A life free from the chains of sin is far more fulfilling than a life without “restrictions”.  What may feel like a “restriction” is actually a safeguard for your soul.  

True faith isn’t defined by perfection, but by pursuit. It’s not a checklist of rules to meet, it’s a relationship that changes the way you see everything. Grace doesn’t erase accountability, it redefines it. It transforms the heart, teaching obedience not out of fear, but out of love.  What once felt like restriction now feels like freedom. God’s standards were never meant to confine, they were meant to protect and restore.  Real transformation happens when faith moves from words to action, when belief becomes the way you live, not just what you say. Following Christ isn’t about escaping consequence, it’s about becoming who grace was meant to set free.

I accepted jesus as my savior at 4 years old.  20 years later I realized I never surrendered my heart to him. I realized the person I had become wasn’t even close to who I wanted to be, more importantly who I was meant to be.  I am not the same person that I was 5 years ago, I’m not even the same person that I was yesterday. I am changing from the inside out every single day. I am slowly being shaped into the person I was meant to be, so that I can serve the purpose that I was created for.  However, that path is not linear.  Sometimes it feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, but that’s still progress in the right direction. It’s not easy, in fact it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. It goes against every instinct in my body.  I spent 20 some years creating a life, creating poor habits, and chasing fulfillment through worldly success that would only leave me feeling more empty than I did before. Now I’m going to spend the next 20 some years, removing those habits, and that person that I had become from existence. Not because the Bible tells me that I need to, but because what I learned from the Bible has changed how I see things. I now realize that the things I spent my time and energy on were the direct cause of most of the pain and suffering I felt throughout my life.  Not because I was being punished by god for my actions, but because those actions have natural consequences that the world doesn’t talk about when they normalize them. This process is scary, to throwaway everything you’ve known and rebuild who you are from nothing is absolutely terrifying. I mean I had a life I enjoyed, I had things Ive given up that I didn’t believe I could live without. The idea of removing the old me from existence and starting over absolutely terrified me, that’s why it took me so long to finally make a change.  However, I believe that the greatest things in life are on the other side of absolute fear. That if you’re not unsure of what’s going to happen, then you’re not taking a big enough leap in faith. I believe that what God covets most is our trust, ultimately a relationship in the deepest form. My beliefs haven’t changed, my understanding of them has. I don’t want to wake up one day, look in the mirror, and think how did I get here. I want to be intentional in following Jesus everyday without any idea where he’s leading me.  I know who I used to be was not who I’m meant to be. I may not yet understand exactly who I’m meant to be, but I’m excited for Jesus to show me.